it's a scary, scary planet earth

While doing research for an upcoming issue of How not to do Homework, the Duck made a startling discovery. Search for Russian phrases in Google, and result #1 will not be Lonely Planet's List of Tourist Things to Say in Moscow, it will be a dating service offering a crash course in marriage proposals to Russian women. Russian women, said the site (in the article titled "Why Marry a Russian Girl?"), are very "domesticated": they enjoy cooking, cleaning, baking and raising a family.

Why to Marry a Russian Girl (highlights)

"Russian ladies are the best! They are loyal and dedicated, stylish and cultural. They traditionally take the family requirements as a priority. This means the great difference with the common attitude of women in the USA, where the materialistic aspect prevails."

"The Russian society is very open sexually, unlike the current, restrictive standard in the USA.. Therefore the Russian girls and American/European men can make the best match."

"American and European gentlemen are dynamic, assertive, successful and romantic, which is perfect for a Russian girl. Many Russian girls appreciate the qualities of maturity and stability of elder people. Don't be put off by the age difference measured by the western standards. "

"When you see a picture of a breath-taking, educated young lady, don't be intimidated or hesitant to contact her. You don't have to be rich, be close to her age, or have the looks of a Hollywood actor to attract these ladies! Sincerity, kindness, affection, and loyalty are values that these ladies find most appealing in a man. In return, you may receive the love, care, and pampering that you would only dream of having."

In the space of five minutes, the Duck was able to compose herself the following letter from the various tender phrases in the offering.

The results were sickening - Little Blue is someplace between laughing and crying. She hereby posts it online for the edification of the universe.

Mr. X's Tender Proposal of Love:

Dear (insert name),

You are very beautiful. I am looking for a girl who wants to love and be loved. You can reckon upon me. All ages are dutiful to love. Come to me my dear!

You are my destiny - how we lived apart all these years? My love is like a bird that is ready to zoom up into the sky. Say that you love me! I want you to be only mine.

Will you marry me? I want you to be my wife. We are created for each other. Say "Yes!"

Unfortunately I can not yet speak Russian. We need a translator. Darling, don't worry, I'll see to everything. I can't wait. Remember, I'm always next to you. I fly to you on wings of love. Believe me.

I kiss you, my bunny.

See you soon,
(insert name)