104 Ways not to do Homework

While on the theme of.. jæja.. bananas, here is the very latest news from everyone's favourite province. Now that exam time has rolled around again and students are running left and right like headless chickens in universities around the globe, the Duck thought it would be the perfect opportunity to suggest another way to avoid spending one's life glued to a textbook.

How not to do your Homework, issue 104: Find Bigfoot.
Not only is it a noble quest in the interest of science, it just happens to really $$$ off big-time.

Norway House family guarding supposed videotape of Bigfoot

Broadcast News,
April 21, 2005

NORWAY HOUSE, Manitoba -- The hundreds of people who've flocked to a northern Manitoba home to see a videotape of Bigfoot are now being turned away.
The 49-second video of a tall figure moving on a lake shore is not being shown publicly anymore. Bobby Clarke's family say they're arranging for an expert to enhance the video and are now holding out for the best cash deal from a media company to show it.
Hundreds of people living in the tiny northern community of Norway House have tried to drop by the Clark's home to see the tape.
The family says they've received offers for the videotape from Florida and Toronto.

Even more fun with bananas

For those of you still skeptical about the use of bananas to power your home, the Duck presents an alternate way to consume excess bananas not involving the word "bread":

Banana Soup!
(It's Ecuadorian!!)

Ingredients: 1 onion & 2 or so VERY very green bananas - as close to plantain as possible. In fact, if you can get them, use plantain.

Instructions:
Fry onion in pan. Add water and boil.
Add green bananas and boil until mushy.
Mash mushy mixture.
Mix in milk, salt & magic Ecuadorian spice.
(Like saffron, but not. Possibly tumeric.)
*ENJOY*

it's a scary, scary planet earth

While doing research for an upcoming issue of How not to do Homework, the Duck made a startling discovery. Search for Russian phrases in Google, and result #1 will not be Lonely Planet's List of Tourist Things to Say in Moscow, it will be a dating service offering a crash course in marriage proposals to Russian women. Russian women, said the site (in the article titled "Why Marry a Russian Girl?"), are very "domesticated": they enjoy cooking, cleaning, baking and raising a family.

Why to Marry a Russian Girl (highlights)

"Russian ladies are the best! They are loyal and dedicated, stylish and cultural. They traditionally take the family requirements as a priority. This means the great difference with the common attitude of women in the USA, where the materialistic aspect prevails."

"The Russian society is very open sexually, unlike the current, restrictive standard in the USA.. Therefore the Russian girls and American/European men can make the best match."

"American and European gentlemen are dynamic, assertive, successful and romantic, which is perfect for a Russian girl. Many Russian girls appreciate the qualities of maturity and stability of elder people. Don't be put off by the age difference measured by the western standards. "

"When you see a picture of a breath-taking, educated young lady, don't be intimidated or hesitant to contact her. You don't have to be rich, be close to her age, or have the looks of a Hollywood actor to attract these ladies! Sincerity, kindness, affection, and loyalty are values that these ladies find most appealing in a man. In return, you may receive the love, care, and pampering that you would only dream of having."

In the space of five minutes, the Duck was able to compose herself the following letter from the various tender phrases in the offering.

The results were sickening - Little Blue is someplace between laughing and crying. She hereby posts it online for the edification of the universe.

Mr. X's Tender Proposal of Love:

Dear (insert name),

You are very beautiful. I am looking for a girl who wants to love and be loved. You can reckon upon me. All ages are dutiful to love. Come to me my dear!

You are my destiny - how we lived apart all these years? My love is like a bird that is ready to zoom up into the sky. Say that you love me! I want you to be only mine.

Will you marry me? I want you to be my wife. We are created for each other. Say "Yes!"

Unfortunately I can not yet speak Russian. We need a translator. Darling, don't worry, I'll see to everything. I can't wait. Remember, I'm always next to you. I fly to you on wings of love. Believe me.

I kiss you, my bunny.

See you soon,
(insert name)

slippery slope indeed

The Duck has officially applied for her very first Icelandic credit card. It will be coming home to mommy some time on Friday. Blue Duck already has maternal feelings towards the cute little thing. She hears the ominous sounds of doom drums in the distance, but this is probably a coincidence....

MY PRECIOUSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

Food fight

Not so very very long ago, in a place not so very very far away (but nonetheless very very expensive to get in and out of, which may be considered to add up to the same thing)..

Enter chorus.

Chorus:
Two supermarkets, both alike in dignity,
In fair Reykjavík, where we lay our scene -
From slight discount rise to new competitivity
Where lowered cost makes shopper minds insane.

Enter Gregory, on his cellphone.

Gregory:
I'm telling you, man - 1 króna for milk in Krónan.
The stuff is cheep like dirt!
Is this like the end of the world or what?

Samson, on the Other End:
I bite my thumb at you, sucka!
Milk costeth nothing here in Bónus -
It's as free as the skin you were born in!

(sends Gregory photographic evidence
using flashy cell-camera technology)

Gregory:
I feel so ripped off...

Planets:
(realign)

This just in..

Iceland to join Europe

After millennia of being divided between North America and Europe, Iceland has finally decided to officially join with its neighbours to the east.

“With the Americans leaving Keflavik, there are very few ties still binding us to America,” says Prime Minister Halldor Asgrimsson. “I think that it is time for Iceland to move into the future and decide its final resting place in the world. I believe that Europe is that place.”

Geologist Gudny Gudmundsdottir agrees. “If you look at Iceland from a tectonical perspective, it has spent most if not all of its existence ‘fence-sitting’ between the two continents. We are trying to have our cake and eat it too, one might say, but at some point a decision must be made.”

A recent poll showed that 68% of Icelanders are either in favour or strongly in favour of the plan. There are critics of the plan, however. “I question the motivation of our government in making this decision,” says environmental activist Ossur Sigurdsson. “Do they actually believe that this is the best choice for Iceland and its environment or are they simply making a grab for warmer weather? These are the kinds of questions that Icelanders must ask themselves when they consider the issue.”

BBC News, Friday, April 1, 2005, 10:59 GMT 11:59 UK